When Elisabeth, a 34-year-old lawyer, first signed up for OkCupid back in May 2014, she didn’t hold out much hope for her success. Online dating, she knew, could be a tough landscape for anyone—navigating endless profiles, competing for attention, and trying to present the best version of yourself. But for fat women like her, it often felt especially unforgiving. With all the societal biases and direct and indirect messages about body image that she had been swimming against her whole life, it made the whole experience even more daunting.
Still, Elisabeth’s best friend from law school had recently started dating again after her divorce, and one day, she suggested that Elisabeth and a few other women—her bridesmaids—sign up for the app with her as a sort of act of solidarity. The idea was to create a little support system, a way to face the dating world together, even if only through these virtual profiles. At first, Elisabeth was hesitant; she’d tried online dating over the years, carefully curating her profiles and choosing photos that cast her in the best possible light. Yet, no matter how polished or flattering her photos were, she often felt like she was chasing a version of herself that wasn’t quite real.
So, when her friend asked her to join in, she decided to embrace what she jokingly called her “most obnoxious version.” She wanted to be unapologetically honest—about her flaws, her insecurities, her body, and all the things that society told her should be hidden or minimized. Her profile prominently featured photos of her with her beloved cat, a creature who was an integral part of her life and personality. Instead of shying away from her size, Elisabeth was upfront about it. She wore between an XL and a 2XL in dresses, and her pants size ranged between 16 and 20. Her honesty was deliberately designed to challenge the typical online dating frame that often incentivizes people to hide or distort their true selves.
“I think it was a lot of subconscious stuff,” Elisabeth told me in an interview one chilly December day. “When you’re a fat woman online dating, there’s this mind trap you fall into with photos—because if you take a picture with the right angle, good lighting, makeup, and dress, you can shave off a pretty good amount of weight. It’s kind of like dressing up a version of yourself that isn’t quite real from the start. But the truth is, you can’t keep that up when you sit across from someone in person for the first time. That’s when it all hits you—you look like you, and you’re sitting there vulnerable and exposed, in a way that no amount of lighting or filters can hide. I wanted to at least start there with honesty, even if it felt risky.”
For Elisabeth, this approach was both empowering and nerve-wracking. She was tired of feeling like she had to hide behind a perfect veneer to get a shot at someone’s attention. She wanted to see if genuine authenticity would resonate more than curated perfection. Her profile, with photos of her in her everyday life, relaxing at home or with her cat, and some candid shots that showed her laughing or caught mid-sentence, reflected that sentiment. She was simply herself, flaws and all. And she was proud of that.
The response was mixed at first, of course. Some people appreciated her honesty and found her refreshing in a sea of overly polished profiles. Others didn’t reply at all or moved on quickly. Yet, Elisabeth was undeterred. Her experience taught her that being authentic meant attracting the right kind of person—someone who could appreciate her for exactly who she was, not some idealized version of herself. Over time, she also found that her confidence in her own skin grew, and her interactions became more meaningful.
Looking back, Elisabeth said that signing up with her “most obnoxious version” was one of the best decisions she ever made. It helped her feel less trapped by societal expectations and more aligned with her true self. She realized that dating isn’t about fitting into a mold or trying to be someone you’re not; it’s about finding someone who loves and accepts you — all of you. And, in her case, that meant embracing her size, her quirks, and her genuine personality without apology. Her story is a reminder that honesty and self-acceptance can be powerful tools in navigating a world that often tries to tell us we’re not enough just as we are.
